NBA Finals Game 1 - French, Spanish Rivalries and Face Stomping Galore

The beginning of the NBA Finals means only one thing: logging the game's highlights and posting them on AtF after the game. The Sporty Boy and Wordsworth got some help from Takim "The Dream" Williams and Nick "Slayer" Salyers and what we produced was truly special.

8:55 - Gregg Popovich acknowledges his pre-game introduction with yet another emotionless face. His facial muscles now haven't moved in 135 days.

8:57 - Mike Miller, Norris Cole and Joel Anthony skip like school girls to the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army." It's the most exercise Miller and Anthony will get all night. And Cole? He was skipping to see if he could balance a quarter on his flat top.

9:10 - Bosh bricks his first three-pointer of the game from the corner and lets out a velociraptor squeal. Later in the minute, LeBron airballs a three from the opposite corner. The Heat are not displaying their namesake thus far.

9:26 - Dwyane Wade joins his "Big 3" comrade in the airball club.

9:27 - The "athletic" Head defense is penetrated and beat by a 265 pound French guy named Boris.

9:32 - Mike Miller proves us all wrong. First, he can make a basket inside the 3-point line. Second, and contrary to popular opinion, his back is actually not as stiff as a 2' x 4'. That pregame playlist of Wiz Khalifa, "Ghetto Cowboy" and Limp Bizkit album seems to be doing wonders.

9:38 - If you had "Gregg Popovich giving 2 solid answers in a mid-game interview" before "Shane Battier legitimately taking a charge" bet with your friend, congratulations. The NBA truly is "Where Amazing Happens."

9:42 - After Miller's transition three-pointer, it's evident that his pregame playlist includes The Renegade's "Resurgence", as he channels his 1995 trailer-park days in South Dakota in which they used a peach basket as a hoop and a porcupine as a ball.

Wordsworth here to take over for a bit:

9:48 - TIMMMMAAAYYYY rejecting the Birdguy like it's not even a big deal.

9:50 - Just realized that The Purge is tonight and we don't even have steel shutters on the windows and our only form of defense is Mitchell's dog Chipper. Can't be good

9:54 - Lebarron James is not even in the game. I don't understand why he isn't playing every second of this game. He has the stamina of an Amish mule, I think he can handle it.

9:57 - Norris Cole just split between TIMMMMAAAYYY and The Red Rocket on his way to the hoop. A cup of water was on his flat top and he didn't even spill a drop. Nines across the board from the judges except for a five from the East German judge.

10:00 - Kawhi Leonard with an airball that made everyone with corn rows sad.

10:01 - Wait a second. Joel Anthony has snuck onto the court and Erik Spoelstra hasn't seemed to notice yet! This could get out of control quickly.

10:07- Battier with a big block on TIIIMMMAAAYYY. Great old guy on old guy battle.

10:08 - Parker puts his size 11 in Battier's mouth after drawing a foul and then asks him if it tastes like sorrow.

10:09 - Jump ball tipped straight out of bounds. Super Awkward

10:09 - Tony Parker with the body control of a young Britney Spears as he drives to the hoop for a bucket towards the end of the second period.

10:12 - The announcers predict a lob for the last play. They are a little off as TIMMMAAAYYY drains a step back jumper as the countdown to 0 expires.

10:14 - Dwyane Wade says that he's "just penetrating" out there in his halftime interview. For TIMMMAAYYY's sake let's hope he's talking about the basketball court.

10:15 - Lesley Gentry brings some cookies down to the man cave for a halftime feast. We devour them like Chris Boshua Raptor devours smaller dinosaurs.

10:18 - Clark "Flaccid" O'Kelley informs us that he actually is a bitch and will not be coming over for the second half of the game .

10:20 - We go for a change of pace and switch to the undefeated Braves over on FOXXX Sports South. The Dodgers have a player named Ya Seel batting leadoff. You don't see that too often.

10:23 - Getting corrected on all my grammar mistakes. Like Bitch plleaz I don't give a FUDGE.

10:24 - Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez comes to bat for the Dodgers. This is going to be a real treat for the fans.

10:29 - Ashley Gentry guesses the first name of a player for Los Angeles. She guesses "Dodgers."

10:31 - Dan Uggla is thinking about striking out. Saying to himself, "Don't be a doofus. Don't be a doofus."

10:32 - Dan Uggla strike outs looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.