What Does The Future Hold For The MLB?

Roids, Juice, Gym Candy, Stackers, Pumpers, Balls or Bulls. If you play in the MLB or any professional sports league, you know what I am talking about. To us fans, most of us see steroids as an unholy injection of cheat. Others say, "I want to see 800 ft. homeruns." Sure, that would be kind of cool, and who doesn't love watching Carlos Zambrano roid rage on water coolers, but what happened to the true baseball player? The guy who devotes his life to getting better at America's true pastime, the guy who, in essence represents the average Joe. Someone who, doesn't necessarily have 30 inch biceps, but is still a great player.

I like to think of baseball as a game of pure fundamentals. Athleticism, of course, helps, but is not necessarily necessary. Recently, a man who many people thought was one of the last of this dying breed, "The Hebrew Hammer"  or Ryan Braun tested positive for PEDs or performance-enhancing drugs. Sources say that Braun knew that he failed his mandatory playoff drug test in late October, yet the story came out recently when he accepted his MVP award.


His test found unusual amounts of testosterone in his system, which was later found to be synthetic. This all coming from a man who, when dealing with A-Rod's steroid use, took on a "holier than thou" persona, and when asked if he had ever considered using steroids said, "I would never do it because if I took steroids, I would hit 60 or 70 home runs."Braun now faces a 50 game suspension.

Braun, of course, is appealing the results of this drug test, and still claims the most clichéd response to steroid allegations, that he did not knowingly use any banned substances. Braun also said, (about the drug test), "It's B.S."


I would like to believe Braun and many other alleged steroid users, but have these allegations marred the MLB's reputation? I like to think that all of these great players are not on roids, but then again, maybe I'm just a dreamer.


So, who knows what the future holds for this great sport. Will we see more natural superstars like Pedroia and Markakis, or will players feel like they need to "juice up" to stay competitive? That's why in these trying times we must root for "The Good Guys" of baseball and hope that they can salvage this beautiful game.


Lay Off The Drugs Y'all
-The Matador

The Gloriousness of "A Glorious Dawn"

Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking. Not unlike other dynamic duos such as Kobe and Shaq along with Young and Rice, these science icons dominated their field. Sagan was one of NASA’s masterminds, while Hawking has mastered mathematics and other aspects of space. But our readers probably didn’t know their true talent: recording hit singles.

While this is clearly a collection of clips from television shows, the scientists’ true intentions were to use the clips in the music video for “A Glorious Dawn.”

Here are the highlights of the song:

:05 – Sagan shows his lack of confidence in his singing ability and attempts to justify his effort if the song is judged to be a failure. STOP IT CARL. Your singing voice is matched by no one (perhaps maybe this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk4woNRD7NQ).

:20 – Did anyone not know that it was necessary to invent the universe before making an apple pie? Sorry Carl, not your brightest moment.

:40 and :47 – Sagan’s dramatic point into the blinding brightness followed by his beautiful face showing through the Sun is a music video sequence for the ages.

1:04 – The way Sagan watches that fluff ball fly away is like a baby lion leaving his mother for the first time. Excuse me for a second while I wipe the tears off of my keyboard.

1:37 – Where did they get gigantic brain in the background??? That my friends is a question worth asking. On a side note, does anyone speak Brainish?

2:15 – Carl shows just how exhausting it is to produce a music video by taking a nap. On set!

2:18 – The arrival of Stephen Hawking left me conflicted. Should I feel bad for him because of his condition? Should I admire him for perseverance? Should I stop watching?

2:21 – What the heck is this??? (Please don’t answer that question.)

2:33 – I’ve decided on my answer for the series of questions at 2:18. I should feel bad for the guy.  I wish this clip wasn’t in the video…

2:41 – Sagan is in a glass case of excitement/happiness. Then again, who wouldn’t be in this time of exciting time in which we are, in fact, visiting other worlds.

3:15 – Carl, that’s the first thing I think of when I think about space. How inviting it is…

There you have it people. In case you were interested, A Glorious Dawn is available on iTunes. And it may or may not be on my iPod...But that’s not important.

Special thanks to Chet McDougal and Austin Short for introducing this video to the AtF staff last spring. Y’all are truly an inspiration.

Celebrations That Need To Crawl In A Hole And Die

Today, there is very little originality in the celebration arena. In 1998, the Falcons flew to the top and were known as the Dirty Birds thanks to running back Jamal Anderson’s touchdown dance. But, the classy, creative celebrations disappeared when Jamal Anderson’s knee exploded in 2001 (http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/news/20000129/jamal-anderson-torn-acl).

In fact, there is so little that dozens of players are doing the exact same celebrations in reaction to their "big plays." I use quotation marks because a big play to some players is a seven yard run, while to others, it is a buzzer-beating three.

Over the past few months, I've had enough of a trio of uninventive celebrations, ranked from least to most annoying.

3. The First Down Signal

You've seen it before. A player gets a big first down, stands up, and begins to jog back to the huddle. All of a sudden, he stops, does a 180, and elaborately performs the first down signal to the roar of the crowd. Wide Receiver Hines Ward loves this routine and even though he went to UGA, I hate it. If you do decide to come back and play in the NFL, please leave the first down routine in your future retirement community.

2. The Spike

Worsened a bit by my hatred for Rob Gronkowski (the most heinous offender in 2011), the spike needs to crawl in a hole and die. I get that the spike releases all the adrenaline racing through your veins after a touchdown play, but barbarically slamming a ball on the soft, tender grass is no way to repay Mother Earth's for her sustenance just lame. Even the fake spike and casual toss to the ref is far more tolerable than the spike (or should we change its name to the Gronk??).

After all, there are far more creative and tolerable ways to celebrate a big play and release all of that pent up adrenaline. I've always wanted a player to grab a long, skinny field mic and snap it over his knee. Heck, he could even take one of those strange semi-sphere mic holders from the sideline crew member http://www.flickr.com/photos/mike_king/4597831983/lightbox/ and drill an opposing player with it. Anything (excluding #1 on this list) would be better than the "Gronk."

1. The Superman

What's the deal with all of these athletes thinking they are Clark Kent? The nickname "Superman" started in the late 1990s/early 2000s with Lakers C Shaquille O'Neal. Then, Magic C Dwight Howard stole the nickname and cape for the 2008 Slam Dunk Contest. And he didn't even dunk!

Now, Panthers QB Cam Newton is known by the same moniker and has taken the act to a new level: "revealing" the Superman logo on his chest. Stop it, Cam. Other players are copying him, and the only enjoyment I have ever had from this whole mess came from Dwyane Wade. After a big play against the Bobcats, Wade (who I dislike) ran over to Newton (who I dislike even more), seated courtside. He gave "Superman" a taste of his own medicine. Well done, Wade, well done.

Have any celebrations that grind your gears? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard.

NBA-Celebrity Look-a-Likes

There is an ancient theory that states, every soul in the universe has a perfect match. An extension of one's spirit, a second half, if you will. Another theory states, "Every NBA basketball player has a face paired with a pop culture icon." Here we shall explore the beauty of this universal law, and show America these "twinerific" faces.

1. Aaron Brooks and Chris Tucker              

  

From the adams apple to the facial hair, these two must be long lost twins. I somehow doubt that Chris Rock is as funny as Aaron Brooks. Just look at his face. He is clearly the comedian of the Rockets now that Yao has moved on to the wine business.

2. Borat and Zaza Paculia

 Honestly, I couldn't tell the two apart. Maybe it's the fact that nobody can locate these two's home countries on a map, whatever it is, one of the two's stupidity is an act, the other has been nominated for the prestigious "Possibly Mentally Handicapped Player of the Year" award.

3. Derek Fisher and Tony Cox

      

Both known for appearances in Bad Santa, Derek Fisher and Tony Cox are both legal midgets. The only difference between the two is that small children find Tony cute, women find him attractive, and men respect him, while Derek, on the other hand, is hated by all of America.















4. Manu Ginobli and Snape

Maybe it's the hair, maybe it's the nose, but one thing is for sure, both HATE Harry Potter.









5. Foster (Super Troopers) and Brian Scalabrine

Who are we kidding? All gingers look the same. I could have literally put any "Ranga" next to Brian. What sets these two apart is the fact that their personalities are identical. Both constantly face rejection and are used. Everyone knows that the Bulls organization only uses Scalabrine to make the floor of the United Center seem less red. As far as rejection goes, Scalabrine is the master of the block. He averages a whopping .5 blocks per game. (Step aside Josh Smith and Dwight Howard) If you want to know why Foster constantly faces these struggles, I urge you sincerely to watch Super Troopers.














6. Raven Symone and Dwight Howard

 Okay, I admit it. Maybe these two don't look that much alike, but the world needs to see Raven Symone and what she has done with herself. Sources confirm that her and Sir Charles Barkley both did Weight Watchers. Clearly Barkley had better luck.

7. Stuart Scott and Tracy McGrady

One look and you know. It's the eyes. What many people don't know is that neither of them have slept since 1999. Still, everyone knows that they are some of the best at their jobs, but seriously, get some rest...

8. Sam Cassell and Predator

Try to find the differences. News flash: you won't find anything. Clearly, this is just the same picture twice. I just wanted to see if anyone would notice...



-You're Welcome America
Garrett "The Matador" Busch

Atlanta Hawks: Treat Yo Self

Zaza Pachulia has a passion for modeling.

An Open Letter to the Atlanta Hawks:

Hawks team members,
I am thoroughly impressed with your recent stretch of games. I in no way expected you to beat the Heat and the Bulls, and then have the opportunity to beat them again in two close games. Now you are on a three game winning streak and have truly become a rag-tag group of champions early in the season. That is why over the next few days I implore you to treat yo self. Zaza if you want to model, go ahead and model. Treat yo self. Ivan Johnson if you want another diamond plated grill, treat yo self.  Joe Johnson if you want to take a joy ride in your ridiculous truck, treat yo self. T-Mac if you want an artificial knee, treat yo self. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you keep playing the way you are. In these dark times after the Falcons loss, the city of Atlanta needs you to win so we can stop having nightmares about Brandon Jacobs running right over us even though New York's rushing offense was ranked last. LAST.

Just Remember,
Keep winning, and treat yo self. You deserve it.


Silence Dogood

Joe Johnson enjoys scaring little children with this giant Ford vehicle.

The Devil Inside Review

Before I throw this film to the proverbial dogs, let me preface my review with this: The portrayal of exorcism and the priesthood in The Devil Inside and the theology it presents is flawed to a point where it completely contradicts scripture. For the short answer to the “Christians and demonic possession” question, read the article at http://carm.org/questions/about-demons/can-christians-be-demon-possessed . Or talk to a priest, but whatever you do, don’t take Paramount Pictures’ version of demonic possession to heart.

I’m not that worried though, because audible booing before the movie is over usually indicates that the audience didn’t exactly take the film straight to heart. If there’s any message the average moviegoer could forget, it’s probably the one in this film.

Does anyone know if William Brent Bell has any small children? If he does, that’s where I’m betting the script came from. (“Hey daddy, look what I made?!” “It’s hard to tell because it’s in crayon on construction paper, but that looks like a script!” “Can you make it, like really make it so everybody can see it in a theater?” “Sure, why not? Renegade priests and handheld cameras? This is great, sweetie!”)

Eighty-seven minutes. That’s how long it is, guys. A five-year-old wrote a screenplay that lasted eighty-seven minutes.

The film takes the Blair Witch Project-esque handheld-camera horror documentary to such an astoundingly new low that it took me a minute to realize the main character, Isabella Rossi, portrayed by Fernanda Andrade, is in fact not possessed by some demon specializing in monotone and poor acting, but is actually in control of her voice and interactions with other characters during the first half of the film. I’m still processing that. Was there a twist ending? Were all the characters possessed by some demons of malaise that force their human subject to phone in a part like it’s their job and like they’re getting paid for it? To everyone in this film: I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Spoiler alert: this movie sucks.

Granted, if you watch it expecting a mockumentary of exorcism-themed documentaries, it has some merit. I’m just kidding; this film has literally no redeeming qualities.

There may have been a score. There also may have been credits. I couldn’t tell you about them.

Cardinal/ Catholic Media Liaison: (stunned silence) “That was, um, well, uh, you, see I’m an ordained priest and I can’t really lie to you right now. That was embarrassing. For you. For both of us. I don’t really see much mainstream film, but from what I saw today, I remember why.”

Paramount: (eagerly) “So it’s edgy? Heresy?”

Cardinal: “Let me tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to put up a title card at the very beginning, before anyone sees a second of what you call a film. It should say ‘The Vatican does not endorse this film.’ We can’t have our brand on this.”

There is nothing else to say. I award a rating of “I Wouldn’t Pirate It.”

- The Real Thomas Duke

Little Fishes

I've always wanted a pet fish to take care of and nurture. Now I have finally taken the huge step and purchased five of them. You can see them at the top of this blog page. The red ones are lovingly called Francis, Bilbo, Hermione, and Teba. The black one is named Barrack and he is the leader of the pack. The others don't really respect him, and his popularity is at an all time low. They are debating on whether or not to overthrow him. Either way you should respect my fish, and if you even lay a finger on them, so help me God, I will hunt you down and hurt you greatly, emotionally and physically (Mitchell that is directed at you, I know you hate them). Feel free to feed them, but not too much. Hermione needs to watch her figure.

One Love,

Wordsworth

If I Hear Party Rock Anthem One More Time...

What is going on in the world of radio? The ghost of Guglielmo Marconi, I assure you, is crying in his grave. (God rest his soul) Every time I step into the "Swedish Meatball" (my Volvo) I take advantage of the heavenly sound system. Often times I call on the radio to please my ear canals with the sweet mellifluous honey of melody and harmony, yet every time I constantly find these frequencies unworthy.

Before I get into why, let me explain my music palate. I consider myself a Renaissance Man of modern music. Country music is where my heart is, however, don't get me started on contemporary country. If I had to explain my favorite type of music, it would be anything with a banjo. The banjo is the salt of the music world. It goes good on everything, adds flavor, and preserves and transcends generations.

Unfortunately for myself and any other banjo lovers, or fans of good music for that matter, it is a struggle to find good music on the radio. I try to stay optimistic. I hold on to any hope that maybe, just maybe, it's only Atlanta radio stations that have the capacity to ruin songs like they do. Every time I turn on the evil box that has attached itself, like a blood thirsty tick, to the bosom of my car, I hear one of two songs, "Party Rock Anthem" or "Moves Like Jagger". Two undeniably catchy songs which, after the first listen have planted a cancer in your brain.

It's not just these songs, unfortunately. Songs like these are seasonal. For example, early this summer, America "allegedly" could not get enough of "E.T." by Katy Perry. P.S. Kanyeezy made that song. Last spring the demand for "S&M" by Rihanna must have been through the roof, otherwise there is no possible way that these "players of music" would play this "music" as much as they did.

This brings me to my point. The radio has become a poor man's iPod (move over Zune). A place where people can tune to and surely hear the song they want. This is okay with me, on some level. Sure, good songs deserve to be played multiple times in a day, yet there is still some element missing. Why isn't there are radio station, and maybe there is one out there, that is devoted to music discovery. A place where new talent is discovered, and old talent is brought back to life. As I write, I think to myself, "that sounds crazy, that would never happen." This just shows that they have me brainwashed. This should not be such a radical concept, and honestly, I can't believe a station like such has not been created yet. I realize that I sound hipster, but I'm not necessarily even talking about Indie music. There could be a "discovery" station for rap, country, and alternative. Just imagine how much music is just floating around in the musosphere, (music's alternate universe).

To all the readers of this blog: If any of you own a radio frequency, I implore you, consider my request. As the great Borat would say, "Make my day gypsy".

-Garrett "The Matador" Busch