"Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something...You got a dream? You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. You want something? Go get it, period."
After 34 man hours (spent with varying levels of efficiency), hundreds of botched recordings and five man years of journalism, our dedication to the class is finally complete. Wiz Khalifa ain't got nothing on us (now, was that a way for me to utilize the double negative rule people often forget to say that Wiz's version is better than ours, or was it a way of bashing the Pittsburgh-native's original? No one can be certain).
All we ask is that you listen with an open mind and hopefully enjoy the creativity of the lyrics. Oh, and we want to know if you would put this song on your iPod. Only if the answer is yes.
So, without further ado, we officially release 'Green and Gold.' Actually, if you happened to YouTube search our track in the past 46 minutes, you may have already viewed it! Don't lie Mr. Tamel; we know you scoured the bowels of YouTube to find our work. And for that, we thank you.
Let me start off by apologizing for my absence on the forum these past 5 months. I don't like to make excuses, but you know with me having my 7th child in February and all, it's been a real chaotic time in my life. I can only assume that with my absence that all of you readers out there have been completely lost without my guidance in the wide world of sports. But don't worry, I haven't given up on you.
This guy has got swagger for days.
To update you lost souls on what has happened these past few months, I will graciously give you a top ten list of the biggest things to happen in sports since January 9th. Here it goes.
#10. Jeremy Lin
When Jeremy Lin first stepped on the floor in Madison Square Garden, Knicks fans let out a collective groan as they thought yet another Rush Hour movie was being filmed. However, once they realized that Lin was actually a athlete and not a paid actor, fans were intrigued to see whether an Asian could actually dribble a basketball. Lin exceeded all expectations by entering a game on January 14th and playing a full 5 minutes. Then he absolutely blew our minds on February 4th by exploding for 25 points against the Nets. Fans celebrated like it was the Chinese New Year and everyone thought they were wittiest people on earth by putting Lin in front of every word possible. Linderella, Linsane, Lincredible, Linpossible, Lintastic. You couldn't hide from Jeremy Lin; he was everywhere. Which is why he comes in only at #10, simply because it was annoying to see him all the time and this is my list. Sorry Jeremy.
Asian
#9. Metta World Peace's Elbow
On April 22nd, flashbacks of the 2004 Ron Artest Metta World Peace came back out when he elbowed James Harden right in the cranium. The irony of this moment is simply too great to handle. Why someone would change their last name to World Peace is beyond me, but the fact that they would get suspended for such a violent act makes it absolutely hilarious. Some have dubbed it "The Elbow Heard Around the World. Peace". World Peace's backers say that the elbow was inadvertent and that he was just celebrating a ferocious dunk. I'll let the video speak for itself.
Metta World Peace is not a fan of facial hair.
#8. Bryce Harper
Bryce Harper could be the most depressing athlete in sports for me. The fact that he made his MLB debut for the Washington Nationals on April 28 when he was just 19 years old made me realize how little I have done in my 19 years of life. He's making millions of dollars a year while I have made $5.66 the past 5 months from typing on this blog (Google Ad $$$). Stop making us all feel bad Bryce. Oh yeah, he's also already hit 4 home runs and stolen home (Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez style) in his short time in the major leagues. It does make me feel better that Bryce accidentally hit himself in the face after hitting a wall with his bat in frustration from a strikeout.
Bryce Harper's only weakness - walls.
#7 Tebow Trade
Everyone will remember where they were on March 20th, 2012 when they heard the news that Tim Tebow had been traded from the Denver Broncos to the New York Jets. I was in Romania wandering around their national gymnastics center and admiring busts of Romanian Olympians of old when a friend informed me that Tebow had been traded. Immediately, a bolt of lightning came from the heavens and struck the tree directly next to me. Was God angry that his only son Tebow had been traded to the Jets for only a fourth and sixth round pick? Will God exact revenge on the Broncos for giving up too early on the greatness that is Tim Tebow? Only time will tell.
Friar Tebow is off to the Big Apple
#6 Joe Paterno
Perhaps the greatest college football coach who ever lived passed away on January 22, 2012. Under unfortunate circumstances Paterno was forced out last season as the coach at Penn State. For 61 years Paterno was either an assistant or head coach at for the Nittany Lions and his record of 409-136-3 is unmatched in history. Through all of the broken hips (classic old person's injury), losing seasons (few and far between), and changes in the game of college football, Paterno remained a constant on the Penn State sidelines. His longevity with one team will almost certainly never be matched by anyone. I think the best way to sum up Paterno's career is with a Sandlot quote (in case you haven't noticed, I'm a fan of that film). "Heroes get remembered, legends never die."
"Heroes get remembered, legends never die."
#5 Kentucky Wins National Championship (basketball)/ Anthony Davis Unibrow
No surprises here for the winner of the NCAA basketball title. Even my dog Joey (he's an idiot) could have picked this one in his March Madness bracket. But what makes Kentucky such a big deal is one big thing. It's Anthony Davis's Unibrow (capitalized because it is a person within itself). It's a miracle that Davis can even see because of the monster growing out of his brow. But it is also the Unibrow that makes Anthony so good. Rumor has it that Anthony Davis is a direct descendant of the biblical Samson because they both draw their strength from hair. Without the Unibrow, Anthony Davis is just a normal 6'10, 220 lb human being. With the Unibrow, Anthony Davis is an incredible college basketball player.
Don't look directly at the Unibrow. It will bite you.
#4 Alabama Wins National Championship (football)
You may be asking yourself, why is this ranked ahead of Kentucky/Anthony Davis Unibrow? Because this is my post and football is king. But honestly this national championship game of Alabama vs. LSU was one of the most boring championship games I have ever watched so it deserves a very boring/empty post. Exactly like the boring/empty feeling I got after sitting through this game for several hours with only a surprise platter of nachos to get me excited. Lets be real, even though "defense wins championships" nobody wants to see a 21-0 football game for the championship. We want that 56-52 shootout with the swiss-cheese defense. If you say otherwise you're only kidding yourselves.
Defense? Yawn.
#3 Bubba Watson wins the Masters
I'm normally not a fan of golf. Numerous chunks of earth can attest to how bad I am at the sport, but I respect those who are somehow able to overcome the frustration that comes along with playing golf and somehow find a way to do that for a living. But when I watched Bubba Watson and Louis Oosthuizen go into a playoff at Augusta I can honestly say that I was interested in the outcome (this is a big step for me with golf). Then on the playoff hole when Watson hooked his shot from the pine straw around the trees and onto the green I audibly said "wow" (unprecedented). Watson's victory at the Masters was about as thrilling as golf can get (still not saying much) which earns it a #3 spot on my list.
In case you have been living a hectic life, celebrating the early days of summer or continuing your indifference toward baseball over the past eight days, you're quite lucky. You've missed eight consecutive Braves losses, a run differential of 46-21, and one hit by Brian McCann. You've also missed the slide from a 1.5-game cushion for first place in the NL East to a 4-game deficit and a share of last place in perhaps the toughest division in baseball.
I had yet to attend a game in this 2012 season, so my father and I decided to try our luck and hoped to end the team's (at the time) seven-game slide. Unfortunately, we didn't provide the boost that the Bravos needed. Hanson couldn't keep the Cardinals off of the bases and the chunky Lance Lynn (dubiously listed at 250 pounds) made quick work of the Atlanta order in four of his seven innings while munching on Twinkies in between batters.
I blame my father; as we walked out, he couldn't remember the last time he had seen an Atlanta team win in person. He believes it may have been Game 2 of the 2011 WNBA Eastern Conference Finals when the Atlanta Dream defeated the Indiana Fever (http://espn.go.com/wnba/recap?gameId=310925020). On an unrelated note, the Dream's Top Performer, Iziane Castro Marques, has never been photographed.
So, without further ado, here's what the Braves should do to turn their luck around.
1. Brian McCann needs to change his walk-up song to any song that is not "All I Do is Win." Sure, the song was cool back in 2010 when it accompanied McCann to the plate for the Wild Card winning Braves. Now, Turner Field is the only place that dares to play this wretched DJ Khaled-produced garbage. Might as well have named the song "All I Do is Cringe," for obvious reasons.
To what should B-Mac change his walk-up song to? Anything is better, even Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" or One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful." I could listen to those songs in 10-second spurts for the rest of my life.
2. Let Two-Bit win the Home Depot Tool Race just once!!! For 21 games, the hammer, saw and paintbrush have bullied the poor drill by pushing him from behind, checking him into openings in the fence and tackling him at the start (http://photos.braves.com/images/spacer.gif). Who knows? Maybe we are suffering from "The Curse of the Drillbino."
3. Call in Dr. Lou to give an inspirational pre-game speech to the players. Does he know as much about baseball as Chipper? No way. Fredi? I can't be certain. But we need to go to drastic measures and I'm not sure there is a more drastic measure than this. Just be sure to equip all of the players with ponchos and goggles and cover the floor with a tarp to prevent massive flooding from his spit.
Hopefully, someone engages one, if not all, of these emergency action plans and helps our Braves out of their rut. Or maybe a starter could complete seven innings (hasn't happened in the last six games). Or maybe they could score more than four runs (hasn't happened in the last ten games). Those would work too.
The NBA Playoffs are hitting the homestretch with the Conference Finals beginning over Memorial Day weekend. In honor of TNT's exclusive coverage of the Western Conference Finals between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the San Antonio Spurs, we have complied a collection of Charles Barkley videos for your entertainment. I'll leave the rest to The Round Mound of Rebound.
