The beginning of the NBA Finals means only one thing: logging the game's highlights and posting them on AtF after the game. The Sporty Boy and Wordsworth got some help from Takim "The Dream" Williams and Nick "Slayer" Salyers and what we produced was truly special.
8:55 - Gregg Popovich acknowledges his pre-game introduction with yet another emotionless face. His facial muscles now haven't moved in 135 days.
8:57 - Mike Miller, Norris Cole and Joel Anthony skip like school girls to the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army." It's the most exercise Miller and Anthony will get all night. And Cole? He was skipping to see if he could balance a quarter on his flat top.
9:10 - Bosh bricks his first three-pointer of the game from the corner and lets out a velociraptor squeal. Later in the minute, LeBron airballs a three from the opposite corner. The Heat are not displaying their namesake thus far.
9:26 - Dwyane Wade joins his "Big 3" comrade in the airball club.
9:27 - The "athletic" Head defense is penetrated and beat by a 265 pound French guy named Boris.
9:32 - Mike Miller proves us all wrong. First, he can make a basket inside the 3-point line. Second, and contrary to popular opinion, his back is actually not as stiff as a 2' x 4'. That pregame playlist of Wiz Khalifa, "Ghetto Cowboy" and Limp Bizkit album seems to be doing wonders.
9:38 - If you had "Gregg Popovich giving 2 solid answers in a mid-game interview" before "Shane Battier legitimately taking a charge" bet with your friend, congratulations. The NBA truly is "Where Amazing Happens."
9:42 - After Miller's transition three-pointer, it's evident that his pregame playlist includes The Renegade's "Resurgence", as he channels his 1995 trailer-park days in South Dakota in which they used a peach basket as a hoop and a porcupine as a ball.
Wordsworth here to take over for a bit:
9:48 - TIMMMMAAAYYYY rejecting the Birdguy like it's not even a big deal.
9:50 - Just realized that The Purge is tonight and we don't even have steel shutters on the windows and our only form of defense is Mitchell's dog Chipper. Can't be good
9:54 - Lebarron James is not even in the game. I don't understand why he isn't playing every second of this game. He has the stamina of an Amish mule, I think he can handle it.
9:57 - Norris Cole just split between TIMMMMAAAYYY and The Red Rocket on his way to the hoop. A cup of water was on his flat top and he didn't even spill a drop. Nines across the board from the judges except for a five from the East German judge.
10:00 - Kawhi Leonard with an airball that made everyone with corn rows sad.
10:01 - Wait a second. Joel Anthony has snuck onto the court and Erik Spoelstra hasn't seemed to notice yet! This could get out of control quickly.
10:07- Battier with a big block on TIIIMMMAAAYYY. Great old guy on old guy battle.
10:08 - Parker puts his size 11 in Battier's mouth after drawing a foul and then asks him if it tastes like sorrow.
10:09 - Jump ball tipped straight out of bounds. Super Awkward
10:09 - Tony Parker with the body control of a young Britney Spears as he drives to the hoop for a bucket towards the end of the second period.
10:12 - The announcers predict a lob for the last play. They are a little off as TIMMMAAAYYY drains a step back jumper as the countdown to 0 expires.
10:14 - Dwyane Wade says that he's "just penetrating" out there in his halftime interview. For TIMMMAAYYY's sake let's hope he's talking about the basketball court.
10:15 - Lesley Gentry brings some cookies down to the man cave for a halftime feast. We devour them like Chris Boshua Raptor devours smaller dinosaurs.
10:18 - Clark "Flaccid" O'Kelley informs us that he actually is a bitch and will not be coming over for the second half of the game .
10:20 - We go for a change of pace and switch to the undefeated Braves over on FOXXX Sports South. The Dodgers have a player named Ya Seel batting leadoff. You don't see that too often.
10:23 - Getting corrected on all my grammar mistakes. Like Bitch plleaz I don't give a FUDGE.
10:24 - Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez comes to bat for the Dodgers. This is going to be a real treat for the fans.
10:29 - Ashley Gentry guesses the first name of a player for Los Angeles. She guesses "Dodgers."
10:31 - Dan Uggla is thinking about striking out. Saying to himself, "Don't be a doofus. Don't be a doofus."
10:32 - Dan Uggla strike outs looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Tulo on Cargo and Gold? Nope, Just Wright...
All-Star voting doesn't close for another month. That being said, it's never too early to unveil my All-Star team for the National League.
The D'backs have a two and a half game lead in the NL West and Goldschmidt, along with 9-0 Patrick Corbin, is the reason San Francisco and Los Angeles are chasing Arizona. He leads his team in virtually every major offensive category: batting average, homeruns, RBIs and runs. Furthermore, he leads all National League first basemen in the first three categories (not to mention stolen bases) and trails only Joey Votto in runs scored. Just like Goldmember, Paul is solid gold.
Second Base - Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds
The Redan High School legend has helped guide the Reds to the third best record in the National League with his clutch hitting (45 RBI) and strong defensive play (3 errors). His .989 fielding percentage is good for fourth among eligible NL second basemen. St. Louis' utility man Matt Carpenter has had quite a year as well; while he is unlikely to win the popular vote, I expect him to make the roster.
Third Base - David Wright, New York Mets
Along with rookie ace Matt Harvey and a four-game sweep of the Yankees, Wright's performance this season has been one of the few positive aspects of the Mets' season. At what is arguably the weakest position in the NL, this six-time All Star has put up first half stats worthy of a seventh appearance. While his .276, 8 HR, 32 RBI line is nothing to gawk at (11 SB isn't half bad), it's the best the NL can do at third.
Shortstop - Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado Rockies
Tulowitzki's offensive production and nearly perfect defensive play (1 error) are a few reasons for the Rockies' surprising start. While their pitching has mildly improved from last year's train wreck (you may remember the 75-pitch limit imposed on all starting pitchers by ex-manager Jim Tracy), offense will always be the centerpiece of the Rockies. Tulo leads National League shortstops in more than half of the major offensive categories (HR, RBI, R, SLG to name a few) and is on pace for a .332, 35 HR and 120 RBI season, all of which would be career highs. Milwaukee's Jean Segura and San Diego's Everth Cabrera have had good seasons as well.
Catcher - Yadier Molina, St. Louis Cardinals
Whoa there. Before you get all up in arms about missing Atlanta rookie sensation Evan Gattis, hear me out:
1. Evan Gattis isn't even on the ballot, so he won't get nearly enough write-in votes.
2. Yadier Molina leads the National League with a .348 average, which is quite an achievement for a catcher.
3. Molina has made 2 errors in 55 games and has erased 42% of stolen base threats, good for third in the National League.
4. He plays with heart. A lot of heart.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Giants' Buster Posey wins the starting job, but Molina's superior average, fielding and baseball IQ gets him the nod in my boat.
Outfield - Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh Pirates
While his line isn't overly impressive (.284, 7 HR, 30 RBI, 14 SB), McCutchen is quite a ballplayer. His five assists lead all NL centerfielders and has committed only one error. He is the glue that holds the young Pirates roster together. His numbers haven't been quite as impressive as his 31 homer campaign last year, but he still gets one of my three votes.
Outfield - Justin Upton, Atlanta Braves
.298 AVG/.402 OBP/.734 SLG, 12 HR, 19 RBI, 3 SB. Upton's April was perhaps the greatest in the history of the Braves and helped his team fire out to a 12-1 start. His May was mediocre and his defense hasn't been anything to brag about, but he's been a huge addition to Atlanta. Need proof? How's this?
Or this?
One more time, with a cameo from his big brother:
Upton's 427.4 foot average HR distance leads the league (Justin Upton Hits The Ball A Long Way); with a 14 homerun sample size, that is a staggering distance.
Outfield - Carlos Gonzalez, Colorado Rockies
CarGo is a specimen. He hit 3 homeruns tonight. The second one went very, very far. CarGo's Second Homerun. As of now, he's hitting .313 with 17 HRs and 42 driven in. Throw in his 12 stolen bases and you've got an offensive force on your hands.
Starting Pitcher - Matt Harvey, New York Mets
For the most part, the Mets are not good at baseball. They have staggered out of the gate to a 23-33 start on the season. Unlike a majority of his teammates, Matt Harvey is good at baseball. When he starts, the Mets are 8-4. When other pitchers start, the Mets are 15-29.
I could go on for days about his stats. He's 5th in the NL in ERA (he led the league before his last start), 3rd in WHIP, 3rd in K/9IP, leads in opponents' BAA, SLG and OPS. and has the highest "average game score" of all NL pitchers. I'm not sure what that means, but it looks good as I'm arguing his case.
In four of his best games on the season, which occurred against the Yankees, Nationals, Phillies and White Sox, his combined stats are scary: 31 IP, 3 ER (0.87 ERA), 31 K. But he only got 2 wins for those gems.
Is his stuff overly flashy? I wouldn't say so. Sure, his fastball averages 95.3 MPH; but, he has no looping curve like Kershaw, no 99 MPH heat like Strasburg. He does throw his slider almost 21% of the time. Wondering why he throws his slider so often? I think this'll tell you:
If you are still unsure, see below:
Matt Harvey (who happens to be a rookie, mind you) is nasty - he should be rewarded for winning so many games with such a putrid offense. Not to mention, the All Star Game is at Citi Field this year. Bochy, give the people what they want.
Monday, May 13, 2013
The Warriors Are Most Certainly Not The Bore-iors
Led by 53 year-old Tim Duncan, the Spurs are old, crafty and predictable. The Bulls' bodies are made of cardboard. New York is playing more like the Bricks than the Knicks. And the Warriors are outrageously boring to watch.
3. Michael Jordan
If you read that last paragraph and noticed an obvious mistake, you've clearly been staying up into the wee hours of the night watching these NBA playoffs. Because these Golden State Warriors are the most watchable team in the league.
In his second year, Mark Jackson transformed a 23-43 team poisoned by the basketball-hating, brick-thrower Monta Ellis and deprived of Stephen Curry's skills for much of the season due to injuries in his spaghetti noodle ankles into a 47-35 team that plays with a unique bond and youthful energy. Maybe its because six of their nine players in the playoff rotation are 25 or younger (Harrison Barnes is the baby of the bunch at 20 years old). Maybe its because all of their players pop a molly and sweat use deer antler spray listen to Wild For The Night on repeat all throughout game day are good at basketball.
I think their players' interesting names have something to do with their success. It's widely known that Curry is one of the best (if not the best) shooters in the NBA. He is really, really good. But did you know that his real name is Wardell Stephen Curry II? If he wasn't meant to play for the Warriors, I don't know who is...
Stephen Curry helps an old lady cross the street, saves a cat from a tree and scores 22 points in a quarter
Rookie center Festus Ezeli (a.k.a. Ifeanyi Festus Ezeli-Ndulue) adds fun to the locker room, making every day a fest(iv)us for all of those around him (excluding those who have to pronounce his full name). If you don't believe me, check out his Twitter device; he's known as @fezzyfel (https://twitter.com/fezzyfel).
However, the importance of used car salesman grunge rock guitarist power forward David Lee is twofold. One, it makes sure that the Warriors don't get too carried away with their names; and two, it gives young White Americans a rare player with which they can identify.
Wow! Lee's biggest fan is great at Photoshop!
I want to leave you with one final stat. The Warriors shoot 23 three pointers per game. Why is this number significant? Here's why:
1. It was the age at which Manu Ginobili started balding.
2. It is the total number of words Gregg Popovich says to the press in his pre-game, mid-game and post-game interviews/press conferences combined.
4. The Warriors will win 2 of the next 3 games and advance to the Western Conference Finals. I think.
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