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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Heat Game Live Blog. Please RT

Game 2 - About 2 minutes left in the first because Anthony "Toni" from Taco Mac was being a real Sally and not giving us our check. Live Blog starts about now.

8:30 - There seems to be a representative from every nation on the court. This a true "United Nations" lineup right now. 

8:32 - Gary "NEal" Neal drains a three pointer and is as whet as Hurricane Sandy 

8:36 - NBA's version of match.com comes on the tele and features famous NBA duos such as Kevin Garnett and Mirk KNowitski but somehow leaves out Jason Collins.

8:37 - Birdfellow fouls Kiwi lemonade but the real crime here is that mohawk.

8:39 - It's seems as if Man U Ginobli drove the lane but we don't really know what happened because of the glare off the bald spot.

8:40 - Matt Boner tries to defend but Birdguy but birdfellow says "no, no, no just the tip" as he tips it in. 

8:41 - Tim "treebeard" Duncan looks wide-eyed on the bench as he takes a nap and eats some well-buttered crumpets 

8:42 - Timmmaaaaayyyyy Duncan is wide-eyed like its his 5th prom and he won homecoming king, meanwhile Lebarron James is pissing himself because he just graduated 7th grade. 

8:44 - the only one who understands me is Flava Flave 

8:46 - Splinter Cell gets blocked by the rim who says, "Who put that der" 

8:47 - Man U Ginobli plans on missing most of the third quarter to watch Game of Thrones.

8:48 - Chris Manderson misses the free throw because the NBA wouldn't allow live birds in the arena. He then throws his hands in the air as if to say, "I'm innocent." What about the porn Chris, what about the porn?

8:52 - Kevin Durant eats a Gatorade square and is stuck in limbo. Leo Decap goes into help.

8:54 - "what happened to that gay guy" "He's still bad at basketball"

8:57- Dale sack taking over for a few minutes

8:58- Heat took out all of their white guys.  That's a hate crime

8:59- The black guy with the pedophile mustache got a three pointer. 

9:00- Lebron James is livid over that call. I don't know what happened, but that was intense

9;:01- Just a PSA that Birdfellow masturbates to child pornography

9:04- That professional athlete who is paid a ton of money just missed a shot. What is this?

9:05- Magic Johnson is in the stands. Is he the one who has AIDS?

9:06- Watch that pivot foot!

9:07- Lebron James took his ball and went home because the street lights came on.

9:07- BirdLad walks behind James, thinking about his favorite birds.

9:13- Magic "Mike" Johnson and Dirty Mike Wilbon make bald heads popular again during halftime show.

9:13 - Looks like were tag teaming this live blog from here on out. Egg Gosete, knick Slayers and The Matador with the assists.

9:14- A slanty-eyed Jeremy Lin weeps at a Portland coffee shop as rumors of Kevin Durant plowing his wife arise from AT&T commercial. Sprint representatives will neither confirm nor deny rumors. 

9:17- Magic "Now You See My" Johnson fist bumps random white guy. 

9:20- Arby's lad rumples his stiltskin over "freshness". 

9:21- POTUS Obama taps phone calls to Heat locker room at halftime. 

9:22- Ray Allen says "I'm a real boy" while playing with his banana on the bench. 

9:23- Half time lasts for more than 30 minutes!! Thanks leftist media. God damn libs. Obama

9:24 - Boshasauraus literally and metaphorically lays an egg on the court as he misses that jumper...Yoshi style.

9:27- THE KING MISSES A LAYUP!!! Birdguy now takes the throne as King of Miami. **Rick Ross approves this message**

9:30 - Mudonis Muslim takes off in the middle of the 3rd as is per tradition in his religion. 

9:31- Danny "Green Mile" Green hits his 5th three pointer and freestyles during the timeout. All I could make out was something about Nerf guns and airplanes.

9:34- NBA on ABC informs us that we are essentially raping them by posting this. Apparently we need consent..? Consent is for mothers and nerds sounds like more left wing media propaganda.

9:36- Kiwi gets the shooters roll over LeBrick. Experts already calling the shot, "The Shot Heard Round The Barbershop"

9:40- Birdguy is legally obligated to go seat to seat explaining that he is a sex offender-per Florida State Law. Misses Third Quarter.
9:42- Towel Boy empties his soaked rags into an old Dasani bottle. (Alleged to be requested by Doris Burke)

9:42- Update of Birdguy- an Instagram confirms that Chris now taking an ice bath in the locker room after being blue balled by the the aforementioned Towel Boy. We'll see how he rebounds in the 4th.

9:46- The dad in Elf to star in new sitcom called "My Little League coach is a Milf"

9:48- hehehe 69

9:50- Tim Dunkin Dognuts mutters, "Kittens got claws," after Birdguy scratches at his nipples.

9:51- LeBron has now officially scored more points in the 3rd quarter than the Verbal portion of his SAT.

9:52 - A down on his luck Zark Suckerburg is seen with Evan Longoria in the stands. Tony Parker gives the Stink Eye

9:53 - Mickey Mouse, that sneaky little mouse bitch, sneaks into the championship round. Straight to the final four with ya

9:54- That one guy looks a lot like a girl. A really masculine girl, but a girl nonetheless

9:56 - Had a really racist joke but Obama censored it. Thanks Obama.

9:58 - Spoelstra very concerned about loose balls -- heard via Doris Burke who was sopping with sweat. Birdguy replies, "I prefer mine undropped"

9:59- BirdLad misses a shot. "I have tattoos. I'm BETTER than this", he mutters to himself

10:00 - Birdguy has a tattoo that says Free bird which he got after getting out of the clink from child pornography charges. The worst part about the clink? The dementers. 

10:02 - Greg Popsamollyvich takes his 86' Oldsmobile and drives home.

10:03 - Commercials only show the Heat holding the trophy. This STINKS of leftist liberal god damn media.

10:06 - Chris Boshua Raptor is looking to get kinky with some dinos after the game. 

10:07 - Birdguy has to wear a jersey because of the tattoo of a naked little boy on his chest. Only Doris Burke knows about it.

10:08 - Doris Burke goes back to the locker room to change into something sexier in order to collect some good post game sweat. If she's lucky Spoelstra's boyish charm will smile upon her. 

10:09 - Shaqbron James mother creates a new way to make a hoop. They are calling the move a Slammy Slammy Dunke.

10:11 - Linda Stouffer, heir to the Stouffer fortune, gives us a sexy view on the Atlanta news.

10:12 - Spurs wake up Mexico's best Dejuan Blair from a siesta in hopes of sparking a comeback.

10:14 - We get a tweet from the very reputable Timothy Marsh saying that we are doing a splendid job and to have a wonderful evening. We thank you Timmmaaaaayyyy.

10:16- Little baby dragons are the power behind the new Sprint phone. Sprint either has access to both a time machine and shrink ray, or they have genetically engineered dragons. This is interesting.

10:18 - Birdguy calls the new Kia "can I fit" commercial the most relatable thing that he's seen all day. 

10:20 - San Antonio has two yellow blocks left. They could need one, maybe even both of them. 

10:21 - Popsavich offers the Boshua Raptor a cow carcass in exchange for another yellow block saying, "We need it", proving that Coach Popddammollyvich is the only true tactition left in the NBA. #nbacares 

10:24 - A white guy says "Hey I'm in the NBA too" and shoots the ball off the cylinder. Black men everywhere laugh. 

10:25 - Robert Kunce gets very kean at the end of the fourth quarter as the Heat score 30 some odd points. 

10:26 - Stuart Scott walks into the Spurs locker room after the game. He somehow acquired a Spurs Jersey. 

10:27 - Doris Burke interviews a less fat Jay-Z and collects some of his sweet sweet sweat. 

10:27 - Burke touches the small of Lebarrons back as she waits to collect some of his nectar. 

10:28 - Tattoo Lad says "Rim protection? I'm not to kean on that" 

10:29 - Lebaron - "I've got one of the biggest Bonners on the team" 



















Thursday, June 6, 2013

NBA Finals Game 1 - French, Spanish Rivalries and Face Stomping Galore

The beginning of the NBA Finals means only one thing: logging the game's highlights and posting them on AtF after the game. The Sporty Boy and Wordsworth got some help from Takim "The Dream" Williams and Nick "Slayer" Salyers and what we produced was truly special.

8:55 - Gregg Popovich acknowledges his pre-game introduction with yet another emotionless face. His facial muscles now haven't moved in 135 days.

8:57 - Mike Miller, Norris Cole and Joel Anthony skip like school girls to the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army." It's the most exercise Miller and Anthony will get all night. And Cole? He was skipping to see if he could balance a quarter on his flat top.

9:10 - Bosh bricks his first three-pointer of the game from the corner and lets out a velociraptor squeal. Later in the minute, LeBron airballs a three from the opposite corner. The Heat are not displaying their namesake thus far.

9:26 - Dwyane Wade joins his "Big 3" comrade in the airball club.

9:27 - The "athletic" Head defense is penetrated and beat by a 265 pound French guy named Boris.

9:32 - Mike Miller proves us all wrong. First, he can make a basket inside the 3-point line. Second, and contrary to popular opinion, his back is actually not as stiff as a 2' x 4'. That pregame playlist of Wiz Khalifa, "Ghetto Cowboy" and Limp Bizkit album seems to be doing wonders.

9:38 - If you had "Gregg Popovich giving 2 solid answers in a mid-game interview" before "Shane Battier legitimately taking a charge" bet with your friend, congratulations. The NBA truly is "Where Amazing Happens."

9:42 - After Miller's transition three-pointer, it's evident that his pregame playlist includes The Renegade's "Resurgence", as he channels his 1995 trailer-park days in South Dakota in which they used a peach basket as a hoop and a porcupine as a ball.

Wordsworth here to take over for a bit:

9:48 - TIMMMMAAAYYYY rejecting the Birdguy like it's not even a big deal.

9:50 - Just realized that The Purge is tonight and we don't even have steel shutters on the windows and our only form of defense is Mitchell's dog Chipper. Can't be good

9:54 - Lebarron James is not even in the game. I don't understand why he isn't playing every second of this game. He has the stamina of an Amish mule, I think he can handle it.

9:57 - Norris Cole just split between TIMMMMAAAYYY and The Red Rocket on his way to the hoop. A cup of water was on his flat top and he didn't even spill a drop. Nines across the board from the judges except for a five from the East German judge.

10:00 - Kawhi Leonard with an airball that made everyone with corn rows sad.

10:01 - Wait a second. Joel Anthony has snuck onto the court and Erik Spoelstra hasn't seemed to notice yet! This could get out of control quickly.

10:07- Battier with a big block on TIIIMMMAAAYYY. Great old guy on old guy battle.

10:08 - Parker puts his size 11 in Battier's mouth after drawing a foul and then asks him if it tastes like sorrow.

10:09 - Jump ball tipped straight out of bounds. Super Awkward

10:09 - Tony Parker with the body control of a young Britney Spears as he drives to the hoop for a bucket towards the end of the second period.

10:12 - The announcers predict a lob for the last play. They are a little off as TIMMMAAAYYY drains a step back jumper as the countdown to 0 expires.

10:14 - Dwyane Wade says that he's "just penetrating" out there in his halftime interview. For TIMMMAAYYY's sake let's hope he's talking about the basketball court.

10:15 - Lesley Gentry brings some cookies down to the man cave for a halftime feast. We devour them like Chris Boshua Raptor devours smaller dinosaurs.

10:18 - Clark "Flaccid" O'Kelley informs us that he actually is a bitch and will not be coming over for the second half of the game .

10:20 - We go for a change of pace and switch to the undefeated Braves over on FOXXX Sports South. The Dodgers have a player named Ya Seel batting leadoff. You don't see that too often.

10:23 - Getting corrected on all my grammar mistakes. Like Bitch plleaz I don't give a FUDGE.

10:24 - Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez comes to bat for the Dodgers. This is going to be a real treat for the fans.

10:29 - Ashley Gentry guesses the first name of a player for Los Angeles. She guesses "Dodgers."

10:31 - Dan Uggla is thinking about striking out. Saying to himself, "Don't be a doofus. Don't be a doofus."

10:32 - Dan Uggla strike outs looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.


Tulo on Cargo and Gold? Nope, Just Wright...

All-Star voting doesn't close for another month. That being said, it's never too early to unveil my All-Star team for the National League.

First Base - Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona Diamondbacks
The D'backs have a two and a half game lead in the NL West and Goldschmidt, along with 9-0 Patrick Corbin, is the reason San Francisco and Los Angeles are chasing Arizona. He leads his team in virtually every major offensive category: batting average, homeruns, RBIs and runs. Furthermore, he leads all National League first basemen in the first three categories (not to mention stolen bases) and trails only Joey Votto in runs scored. Just like Goldmember, Paul is solid gold.


Second Base - Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds
The Redan High School legend has helped guide the Reds to the third best record in the National League with his clutch hitting (45 RBI) and strong defensive play (3 errors). His .989 fielding percentage is good for fourth among eligible NL second basemen. St. Louis' utility man Matt Carpenter has had quite a year as well; while he is unlikely to win the popular vote, I expect him to make the roster.

Third Base - David Wright, New York Mets
Along with rookie ace Matt Harvey and a four-game sweep of the Yankees, Wright's performance this season has been one of the few positive aspects of the Mets' season. At what is arguably the weakest position in the NL, this six-time All Star has put up first half stats worthy of a seventh appearance. While his .276, 8 HR, 32 RBI line is nothing to gawk at (11 SB isn't half bad), it's the best the NL can do at third.

Shortstop - Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado Rockies
Tulowitzki's offensive production and nearly perfect defensive play (1 error) are a few reasons for the Rockies' surprising start. While their pitching has mildly improved from last year's train wreck (you may remember the 75-pitch limit imposed on all starting pitchers by ex-manager Jim Tracy), offense will always be the centerpiece of the Rockies. Tulo leads National League shortstops in more than half of the major offensive categories (HR, RBI, R, SLG to name a few) and is on pace for a .332, 35 HR and 120 RBI season, all of which would be career highs.  Milwaukee's Jean Segura and San Diego's Everth Cabrera have had good seasons as well.

Catcher - Yadier Molina, St. Louis Cardinals
Whoa there. Before you get all up in arms about missing Atlanta rookie sensation Evan Gattis, hear me out:
1. Evan Gattis isn't even on the ballot, so he won't get nearly enough write-in votes.
2. Yadier Molina leads the National League with a .348 average, which is quite an achievement for a catcher.
3. Molina has made 2 errors in 55 games and has erased 42% of stolen base threats, good for third in the National League.
4. He plays with heart. A lot of heart.


I wouldn't be surprised if the Giants' Buster Posey wins the starting job, but Molina's superior average, fielding and baseball IQ gets him the nod in my boat.

Outfield - Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh Pirates
While his line isn't overly impressive (.284, 7 HR, 30 RBI, 14 SB), McCutchen is quite a ballplayer. His five assists lead all NL centerfielders and has committed only one error. He is the glue that holds the young Pirates roster together. His numbers haven't been quite as impressive as his 31 homer campaign last year, but he still gets one of my three votes.

Outfield - Justin Upton, Atlanta Braves
.298 AVG/.402 OBP/.734 SLG, 12 HR, 19 RBI, 3 SB. Upton's April was perhaps the greatest in the history of the Braves and helped his team fire out to a 12-1 start. His May was mediocre and his defense hasn't been anything to brag about, but he's been a huge addition to Atlanta. Need proof? How's this?


Or this?


One more time, with a cameo from his big brother:



Upton's 427.4 foot average HR distance leads the league (Justin Upton Hits The Ball A Long Way); with a 14 homerun sample size, that is a staggering distance.

Outfield - Carlos Gonzalez, Colorado Rockies
CarGo is a specimen. He hit 3 homeruns tonight. The second one went very, very far. CarGo's Second Homerun. As of now, he's hitting .313 with 17 HRs and 42 driven in. Throw in his 12 stolen bases and you've got an offensive force on your hands.

Starting Pitcher - Matt Harvey, New York Mets
For the most part, the Mets are not good at baseball. They have staggered out of the gate to a 23-33 start on the season. Unlike a majority of his teammates, Matt Harvey is good at baseball. When he starts, the Mets are 8-4. When other pitchers start, the Mets are 15-29. 

I could go on for days about his stats. He's 5th in the NL in ERA (he led the league before his last start), 3rd in WHIP, 3rd in K/9IP, leads in opponents' BAA, SLG and OPS. and has the highest "average game score" of all NL pitchers. I'm not sure what that means, but it looks good as I'm arguing his case.

In four of his best games on the season, which occurred against the Yankees, Nationals, Phillies and White Sox, his combined stats are scary: 31 IP, 3 ER (0.87 ERA), 31 K. But he only got 2 wins for those gems. 

Is his stuff overly flashy? I wouldn't say so. Sure, his fastball averages 95.3 MPH; but, he has no looping curve like Kershaw, no 99 MPH heat like Strasburg. He does throw his slider almost 21% of the time. Wondering why he throws his slider so often? I think this'll tell you:

 
If you are still unsure, see below:


Matt Harvey (who happens to be a rookie, mind you) is nasty - he should be rewarded for winning so many games with such a putrid offense. Not to mention, the All Star Game is at Citi Field this year. Bochy, give the people what they want.