Over Christmas break the lack of quality television programming during the day was really getting to me. After sweet, old Bob Barker left The Price Is Right a few years back there was a hole in the midday t.v. schedule that Drew Carey could not fill no matter how many lbs. he put on. Only one man can tell me to spay and neuter my pets, and that's Bob Barker. But I digress.
After flipping through the U-Verse guide for awhile, which by the way is wonderful, I found a channel that I had long ignored/forgotten/snubbed. This was the Animal Planet, or as some know it, "The Forgotten Network". The first show I happened to turn to was Call of the Wildman. While I could not understand half of the show because all of the guys spoke with a deep southern/Kentucky draw, I was immediately captivated by the main character "Turtle Man". According to the shows opening teaser, this guy was practically raised by wolves. As a child, "Turtle Man" bonded with wild animals, and even gained enough of their trust to where he could kiss a snapping turtle on the beak or whatever snapping turtles have. Whatever else "Turtle Man" may have done with the animals can be left to the imagination.
As I watched the rest of this show I was intrigued by Turtle Man's job and the style in which he does it. Turtle Man's job was to capture nuisance "critters" from his fellow Kentuckians homes, but he does so with his bare hands. Basically he grabs wild raccoons and rats and turtles with his hands and then he screams his catch phrase "live action" followed by a bunch of "yee yee yee yee yee's" in a high-pitched voice that sounds like a 13 year old boys voice crack. I have no idea what any of it means, but this guy acts like an idiot and it keeps me entertained. His method of catching snapping turtles is perhaps the most entertaining. Turtle Man will hop into random ponds and use his "turtle senses" to find the turtles. He feels around the bottom of the pond for turtle shells and points at the water in some type of karate motion until he finds a turtle. My theory about Turtle Man is that he is actually a Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle just trying find a way to live in this world. Turtle Man's turtle-like features support my argument. Half-man, half-turtle, accepted by neither world, finding a way to survive. He can communicate with the turtles and seduce them into coming peacefully towards him. Secretly, I hope that one of the turtles attacks him, but they never do. They love him too much. And he loves them too much. The final thing about Turtle Man is that he doesn't get paid in cash. He mostly is paid in food stuffs such as shortbread cookies or a can of green beans. I really don't know how he lives off of it, but he's the Turtle Man so he finds a way.
If you ever get the chance to watch the Animal Planet, I highly recommend it. Especially if the Wildman that is Turtle Man graces the screen.
"Call of the Wildman is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S"
- Gwen Stefani
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