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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

AtF's Best of the Best: Facial Hair

To many, facial hair is merely seen as a coping method for men (and some women) who struggle with growing hair on the other end of their head. However, the staff here at AtF sees it for what it truly is, an art form. Sure, in some cases facial hair is primitive and unkempt, but today, we salute those who truly understand the art of growing hair out of their faces.

10. LeBron James
Today, King James is king of something besides eclectic facial expressions. That is the neard. AKA the neck beard. It takes quite the person to pull off this "Bradlyn Gossett-esque" statement, and to be honest, we aren't really sure the LBJ can actually pull it off. LeBron, however, clearly thinks he does because he keeps wearing it? I guess wearing is the phrase to use here? So, for having "not-so-quiet-confidence, we give LeBron James and his neard the number 10 spot on the countdown. 
"Harden ain't got nuthin on me."
9. Keith Hernandez
Keith Hernandez won two World Series, a batting title and was a five time All Star, yet still, his greatest accomplishment does not lie in the realm of baseball. It, in fact, lies in the realm of his upper lip. Yes, Keith Hernandez, one of the greatest first basemen of all time is often forgotten. His mustache, however, will live on forever. Its beauty lies in its simplicity, perhaps capturing the spirit of blue collar America who strove for much more in life, Hernandez became an icon to middle class America, and for that he grabs the number 9 spot.
Keith Hernandez just wants to play.


8. Kimbo Slice
Contrary to popular belief, Kimbo Slice is not a dish at a Middle Eastern food stand. He is, in fact, one of the greatest fighters of our time and what does every great fighter need? You guessed it, great facial hair. Many opponents of Kimbo have postulated that his raw power and ferocity comes directly from the shrub on his face, a Sampson like quality. I can neither confirm nor deny these claims, but Kimbo has one of the most intimidating beards of all time earning himself the 8 spot on the countdown.
You Go Kimbo


7. Walt Frazier
Few men can pull off sideburns like Walt "Clyde" Frazier. In 1987, Frazier was inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame. Today, we induct Walt into a more important Hall, the Facial Hair Hall of Fame. Walt's sideburns were like racing stripes as he sliced and diced opponents left and right making him one of the best players to ever live. Congrats Walt, you earned it.


6.Adam Morrison
As Keith Hernandez is to middle class America, Adam Morrison is to struggling facial hair growers. It is clear that Morrison cannot grow facial hair very well, yet he tries it anyways. Unfortunately, this persistence and zeal does not translate into his basketball game. Really, all he has is his mustache, so who can blame him for sticking with it? I'm sure Adam has been heckled more than David Stern at the Draft, so I bet he could use some good news right about now and for that he receives the number 6 spot.


5. Drew Gooden
The facial hair of Drew Gooden is like the phases of the moon, except it never repeats itself. Gooden cracks the top five for one phase in particular. I call it the Jack Sparrow beard. Others refer to it as the spider beard. What ever it is called, it is truly a work of art and it might be controlling Gooden's mind and forcing him to take over the world. Whatever, it's still awesome.
Peter Parker
4. Brett Keisel
It takes a lot to grow a beard like Brett Keisel. Each morning, he carefully combs tree sap and mink oil into his luscious chin flow. Brett actually spent his whole off season chopping down trees so that his beard would have a little character. That kind of dedication can only earn a man one thing: the number 4 spot on our countdown.
Hot juicy burger

3. Lanny McDonald
Lanny McDonald's mustache makes Keith Hernandez look like Adam Morrison. The soup strainer on his face can actually filter sea water and make it potable. Should we expect Lanny to travel to third world countries and filter water with his face? Maybe. The one thing we do know for sure is that Lanny McDonald has one heck of a mustache.


2. James Harden and Brian Wilson
"Fear the Beard" The number 2 spot is tie between two athletes who have made millions off of beard merchandise. (probably) The only difference between the two is a championship. James Harden doesn't have one because the NBA doesn't allow feather earrings, therefore inhibiting him from actually becoming Mr. T. on the court. Both have fantastic beards earning them the number 2 spot.


1. Rollie Fingers
How can we define perfection in today's corrupted world? How can we find beauty when we are surrounded by such evil? How can we explain love when the heart's of men are full of hate? I'll tell you how: Rollie Fingers, more specifically, his mustache. Never mind that he has the perfect pitching name. The only thing that matters is his mustache. We should all strive to his example of what facial hair should be, yet no one shall ever dare to attempt the "fingers" because you WILL fail. Therefore, we end this countdown with a legend. Congratulations to Rollie Fingers for having the greatest facial hair in all of sports.
Peace, Love, and Crabs,
G$

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