The beginning of the NBA Finals means only one thing: logging the game's highlights and posting them on AtF after the game. The Sporty Boy and Wordsworth got some help from Takim "The Dream" Williams and Nick "Slayer" Salyers and what we produced was truly special.
8:55 - Gregg Popovich acknowledges his pre-game introduction with yet another emotionless face. His facial muscles now haven't moved in 135 days.
8:57 - Mike Miller, Norris Cole and Joel Anthony skip like school girls to the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army." It's the most exercise Miller and Anthony will get all night. And Cole? He was skipping to see if he could balance a quarter on his flat top.
9:10 - Bosh bricks his first three-pointer of the game from the corner and lets out a velociraptor squeal. Later in the minute, LeBron airballs a three from the opposite corner. The Heat are not displaying their namesake thus far.
9:26 - Dwyane Wade joins his "Big 3" comrade in the airball club.
9:27 - The "athletic" Head defense is penetrated and beat by a 265 pound French guy named Boris.
9:32 - Mike Miller proves us all wrong. First, he can make a basket inside the 3-point line. Second, and contrary to popular opinion, his back is actually not as stiff as a 2' x 4'. That pregame playlist of Wiz Khalifa, "Ghetto Cowboy" and Limp Bizkit album seems to be doing wonders.
9:38 - If you had "Gregg Popovich giving 2 solid answers in a mid-game interview" before "Shane Battier legitimately taking a charge" bet with your friend, congratulations. The NBA truly is "Where Amazing Happens."
9:42 - After Miller's transition three-pointer, it's evident that his pregame playlist includes The Renegade's "Resurgence", as he channels his 1995 trailer-park days in South Dakota in which they used a peach basket as a hoop and a porcupine as a ball.
Wordsworth here to take over for a bit:
9:48 - TIMMMMAAAYYYY rejecting the Birdguy like it's not even a big deal.
9:50 - Just realized that The Purge is tonight and we don't even have steel shutters on the windows and our only form of defense is Mitchell's dog Chipper. Can't be good
9:54 - Lebarron James is not even in the game. I don't understand why he isn't playing every second of this game. He has the stamina of an Amish mule, I think he can handle it.
9:57 - Norris Cole just split between TIMMMMAAAYYY and The Red Rocket on his way to the hoop. A cup of water was on his flat top and he didn't even spill a drop. Nines across the board from the judges except for a five from the East German judge.
10:00 - Kawhi Leonard with an airball that made everyone with corn rows sad.
10:01 - Wait a second. Joel Anthony has snuck onto the court and Erik Spoelstra hasn't seemed to notice yet! This could get out of control quickly.
10:07- Battier with a big block on TIIIMMMAAAYYY. Great old guy on old guy battle.
10:08 - Parker puts his size 11 in Battier's mouth after drawing a foul and then asks him if it tastes like sorrow.
10:09 - Jump ball tipped straight out of bounds. Super Awkward
10:09 - Tony Parker with the body control of a young Britney Spears as he drives to the hoop for a bucket towards the end of the second period.
10:12 - The announcers predict a lob for the last play. They are a little off as TIMMMAAAYYY drains a step back jumper as the countdown to 0 expires.
10:14 - Dwyane Wade says that he's "just penetrating" out there in his halftime interview. For TIMMMAAYYY's sake let's hope he's talking about the basketball court.
10:15 - Lesley Gentry brings some cookies down to the man cave for a halftime feast. We devour them like Chris Boshua Raptor devours smaller dinosaurs.
10:18 - Clark "Flaccid" O'Kelley informs us that he actually is a bitch and will not be coming over for the second half of the game .
10:20 - We go for a change of pace and switch to the undefeated Braves over on FOXXX Sports South. The Dodgers have a player named Ya Seel batting leadoff. You don't see that too often.
10:23 - Getting corrected on all my grammar mistakes. Like Bitch plleaz I don't give a FUDGE.
10:24 - Bennie "The Jet" Rodriguez comes to bat for the Dodgers. This is going to be a real treat for the fans.
10:29 - Ashley Gentry guesses the first name of a player for Los Angeles. She guesses "Dodgers."
10:31 - Dan Uggla is thinking about striking out. Saying to himself, "Don't be a doofus. Don't be a doofus."
10:32 - Dan Uggla strike outs looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.
Halftime - Tony Parker in the locker room planning a coup d'etat against King James. Coach "I Like It When You Call Me Big" Popovich peeks over his shoulder to approve the battle plans.
Guest Blogger Takim Williams stakes his claim on the 3rd quarter blogging:
10:37 - Timmy is wide-eyed with a hunger for points as he wets a mid-range jumper.
10:39 - Timmy is wide-eyed with indignation as Wade gets away with a travel.
Commercial Break - Critics rave about the Social Network prequel set in the Wild West and starring Johnny Depp. If only the cowboys and Indians had had Facebook to connect them and bring them together, a lot of misunderstandings would have been avoided...
Commercial Break - McDonald's advertising to a very immature audience with a new commercial featuring hooligans splashing in their business clothes.
10:44 - "C'est la vie" says Tony Parker by way of apology as he drives past the younger Norris Cole.
10:45 - With an ironic nod to his homeland Virgin Islands, Timmy pounds Haslem and the Heat defense against their consent as Coach Papadopoulus looks on in approval
10:49 - Coach "Hop on Pop" Popovich shakes his head as Wade heats up.
10:51 - Spoelstra demands that at least one girl touches the ball on each offensive possession in an effort to return to middles school basketball camp fundamentals.
10:54 - Heat fans getting agitated and Tony "Marie Antoinette" Parker says "Let them eat cake!"
A Collaborative 4th Quarter Effort:
10:59 - Spoelstra seduces ESPN reporter Doris Burke during his pre-4th quarter interview. They almost make out.
11:00 - MIKE MILLER IS DOWN! HIS EARDRUM HAS EXPLODED WITH THE FORCE FROM DANNY GREEN'S FACE STOMP. This will undoubtedly lead to a "Mike Miller Rule" that disallows curb stomping on NBA courts, but not outside the arena.
11:02 - Archeologists and paleontologists are salivating at the chance to procure the fossil ball blocked into the stands by the ChrisBoshasaurus Rex.
11:03 - The canary-like man uses his small claws to hit the ball into the hoop.
11:05 - Jeremy Lin makes his first and only NBA Finals appearance of his career with an iPhone/Verizon commercial consisting of montages of his family videos.
11:09 - Tonoui Parker's steps up to the free throw line, declares "En Garde!" and drills both shots. Merci Beaucoup.
11:10 - Commentator Mike Breen gets overly excited about the size of Kiwi Leonard's hands, leading to a 7 second awkward silence.
11:11 - Tony Parker's "French Revolution" spin move results in an epic battle-winning basket for the French against the Spanish "El Heat" troops.
11:17 - Chalmers' turnover in the corner and brick off of the side of the backboard displays why he should be NOWHERE NEAR THE BALL this late in the game. Spoelstra nods his head in agreement and calls his "Give the ball to LeBron" play.
11:20 - During the timeout, Chalmers attempts to eat the Heat logo at midcourt in an effort to transform into FIRE MARIO. The effort is all in vain, as Spoelstra sits Mario on the bench.
11:23 - After hitting his fourth three-pointer of the game, Danny Green legally changes his name to Three-Lo Green.
11:25 - "Lots of Marky Mark references tonight. I mean, come on, 'Shooter' was good, but not that good." - Nick Salyers
11:27 - "It's all about routine." - Backyard Basketball's Ray Allen, in a childish pitch.
11:29 - Tony Parker casually suggests a menage a trois with Three-Lo Green. Three-Lo responds with "F*** You." Tonoui simply grunts in response.
11:31 - Why are you still reading this?
11:32 - Tonoui Parker does his best take on the Harlem Shake with yet another French Revolution to put the Spurs up by 4. With the kiss off the glass, French banking hours are clearly not on the same schedule as Miami banking hours.
11:37 - The Spurs most certainly channeled the history of their city by defending the Miami Alamo that is the American Airlines Center from the Spanish conquistadores.
Until next time. Buenas Noches San Antonio.
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